Sometimes, a lot of the time, I wish something extremely dramatic and horrible would happen in my life just so I could stop going to school and not have to lie about it. Get out of this state and live. I mean REALLY live. I’m looking for injury, addiction, even death. Not me. I don’t want to die. I’m not that girl anymore. I just want to be free from this. From my dad’s financial ties, my sociopath tendencies, my loneliness. I lie once and then I can’t stop. Ever. I know I’m lying, I can hear it coming out of my mouth, but I still believe myself. Because maybe if I say it enough, it’ll be true. I’m a lost soul in a suburban prison. I give up. I’m leaving. And I don’t know if I’ll be okay, but that’s the exciting part. I wasted your time, I wasted your money, and most of all I wasted your trust. I’m sorry but I’ll never be who you want me to be. I am not mentally stable and I like that. I have no idea who I’m going to be, but I think if you let me explore, I can be happy. The happy you’ve always wanted me to be. Let me go. My wingspan is miles longer than you could ever imagine. I’m begging you. Let me be the black sheep you’ve always known I am, but have never had the courage to say out loud. If you don’t, I’ll keep disappointing you. That’s a promise. Not intentionally, but because I know who I am. I’ve accepted that. Now it’s your turn. I know this isn’t what you wanted out of your youngest, and for that I’m sorry. I love you, and I know you love me too. I never doubted that. I never will. I just wish I loved you enough to say this to your face. I wish you didn’t terrify me. You have no idea the pain you cause when you tell me I could do better. It’s been four years. This is my best. I wish my tears still affected you. I wish my lies hadn’t numbed our relationship. I’m so sorry, daddy. For all the I don’t know’s. I know you hate those. But I really don’t know and I doubt I ever will. Please forgive me.